You Owe Me a Michelin, Motherf*cker.

During my most recent foray into marathon television via Showtime's killer original series, Dexter, my heart opened - somewhat unexpectedly - to the arrogant asshole, Sergeant James Doakes (played in spectacular archetype fashion by Erik King).

In Dexter, the titular Dexter Morgan is your run-of-the-mill, likable sociopath whose day job with the Miami Metro Police Department is in blood spatter forensics where he works with Sergeant Doakes, a homicide detective with a short temper, a foul mouth, and frequently pursed lips. While Dexter's sister Deb works her way up the police ranks and Lieutenant Maria Laguerta gives him googly eyes, everyone in MMPD seems surprisingly oblivious of Dexter's after-hours job, moonlighting as a serial killer of the people who "deserve" to be murdered the most - other murderers.

Except Doakes.

Sergeant Doakes is on to Dexter from the beginning, making it clear that the forensics investigator gives him the f*cking creeps and promising to uncover his secrets. The sergeant has a lot of free time on his hands, spending every night for a month tailing Dexter in the second season, and later breaking into his apartment to find whatever bloody trophies Dexter has stashed away in air conditioning vents. The Doakes v. Dexter tension (sexual, perhaps?) climaxes in one very bad week for both men, bringing their altercation to an explosive end.

I'm sorry to see the Doakes v. Dexter conflict end with the season two finale. Doakes is crude and obnoxious, bullheaded, and he curses like a sailor who did time in special ops. It's hard to deny that the sergeant ultimately reaps what he has sown, but in Dexter's freshman and sophomore seasons, he was also a lot of motherf*cking fun.

Doakes Drinking Game

• A shot for every time Doakes says "motherf*cker"
• A shot for every time Doakes stares down Dexter, this close to jumping his bones
  

Doakes Motherf*cker Buttons
Surely Showtime will add these classic Doakes quotes to their merchandise line.